True Falsities

Starla Insigna went a little loopy yesterday (“WELL ISN’T THAT NORMAL?” screamed Sammi9494 for no apparent reason) and started laughing hysterically at things that were not there, and Rachel’s adjective^[1]. This was fine and all until she laughed at a joke Smiley told, at which point the CIA swooped in and detained her for being an impostor Starla.

Not actually being an imposter, Starla spent her time in custody writing a book called “My Floorless Bathroom^[2]”, which reads like this:

So, like, I was walking to the bathroom and I saw it had no floor and I was like “Dude, why does the bathroom have, like, no floor?” And the worker was like “Giiiiiirl, I’ll tell you a story you’ll totally forget in two days. Once upon a time, I was really fat and I like walked around and I went to the bathroom, but then I like fell through the floor.” Then I was like “Wow, man, you’re even fatter now!”

She sold the book through barrels of wine, which destroyed the paper that the story was on. Not noticing this, Starla started ranting about how she was going to sign a movie deal for the book and that she’d love it if Joe Jonas could play the worker.^[3] She then fell asleep and dreamed that Johnny Bravo told her to write a list of the things that made her laugh hysterically for no reason, so she did, as a supplement to her book:

1. Catfood

But before she could get any further, she fell to the floor, laughing hysterically. Then the Ibuprofen Fairy flew along and force-fed her thirty Advil capsules, after which she passed out and teleported to metamorphic rock land, home of the potato.

Suddenly, the door with a star on it in Starla’s cell opened and Drifty walked through it. Noticing Starla spazzing on the floor, she stole her cellphone and called “Phyllis’ Beauty of a Store: Buy your lucky Irish pendants; Get involved in the pet section, or BUY A PIZZA!!!!!!!!!!” and ordered Integer.MAX_VALUE anchovy pizzas. The pizzas smelled so bad that Starla woke up, grew wings and flew away from the pizzas. Drifty, nonplussed as the wings were her idea, summoned an electrical storm that made Starla think she was jumping on yellow elephants.

Then TimTam woke up and decided the whole thing was a dream until he saw Starla laughing at his catfood in the corner.

1. Rachel: The question is “Choose an adjective that describes you.”
   Starla: Did you just say “tuna is an adjective that describes you”? LOL! [↩]
2. Ask Smiley, it was weird and completely improvised while talking to him on the phone [↩]
3. Because he’s EVIL [↩]